26 July 2007

Spinning Crisis Reaches Knit Goddingdom: A Late-Breaking Special Edition

by L.Z. Kate
quick! before the fingers try to escape!

As you can see from this photo, I have been diligently trying to cut off circulation to my fingers. "Why," you ask, "would anyone, apart from Angelina Jolie, want to do this?"

"Ah," I counter, "you are mistaken. Angelina Jolie prefers cutting off circulation to her head, not her digits."

"Point taken," you say, and wait patiently for my explanation.

The photo above, and the one following, illustrate an ancient technique which, over the centuries, has been used alternatively for torture, penitence, and ritual self-decirculationing. It is known as Andean Plying.

In addition to its many and varied historical uses, there is a certain segment of the global population which has used this sacred technique for their own twisted purposes (sorry, couldn't help it) for many years. They are known as spinners.

The hand of a spinner in flagrante with some Leicester Longwool!

I went undercover this past weekend into the sordid world of spinning. To my dismay, I found that not only are there Spinners in our community, its racy ring includes some of Knit Goddingdom's most prominent members of society.

This news, detailed completely in this EXCLUSIVE exposé, may come as a shock to residents and friends of Knit Goddingdom. We can't name any names at the time of printing, although Knit Goddingdom Police assure me that investigations are underway. Officials strongly caution its people against the people who call themselves Spinners. They are known to peddle in highly addictive wares. Parents, be vigilant! Check your children's rooms for singles. Freshly-spun singles are known to be the gateway to a lifetime of spinning vice. From a sole bobbin, it's a short step to an entire Lazy Kate, to an assortment of niddy-noddies. This reporter has even heard news of a niddy-noddy which disassembles into two pocket-sized pieces for portability. These could be entering our schools in our children's coats' pockets! Experts recommend that you also regularly sweep their clothing with a lint-roller to check for traces of roving. We must keep the world safe from Spinners!

next week: Crochet: How Long Can We Keep It at Bay?

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