25 September 2010

Stage 1.5: Tequila

My dear, sweet friend died yesterday. It was her wish. I am heartbroken. I had so many plans. She gave me a wedding scrapbook; I was going to surprise her with it when I had finished filling it out. I had just picked up a set of photos at Costco yesterday to send to her... I had the card ready to mail when I received the news of her death. I don't know what to do with the photos now. I wanted so much to share them with her.

I have grieved lost relationships. I still feel grief over a couple of them -- those people I grieve losing are still living, as far as I know (I don't know. I rely on the shaky premise that if they die, someone will remember to tell me. It's not the best method -- simply the best available. I just sort of vaguely hope they're alive and well, knowing I can't know). I grieve because I love them, and sometimes I think the grief will be with me as long as I love -- and as I live, I love. Sometimes I daydream about accidental meetings and happy reconciliations (unlikely, but it might happen!). But this -- I know she won't ever be there. I promised to send her pictures from my first dinner party, and it breaks my heart that she won't see them. I am thankful I got to speak to her last week -- last week! -- she kept telling me how happy it made her to know how happy I was about the china. I just thought there'd be more time. I thought we'd have weeks, at least... if not months. I thought there'd be more time.

DBF took me out for lunch and stuffed me with steak and soaked me in tequila. It was good. In retrospect, I think she would prefer I be pickling myself in Champagne than tequila... but there is time for that. I need to go shopping -- there is no option but to show up at her funeral impeccably turned out, with a gorgeous purse and devastatingly fabulous (yet appropriate) shoes.

I wish she could see them.

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