Stage 1.5: Tequila

My dear, sweet friend died yesterday. It was her wish. I am heartbroken. I had so many plans. She gave me a wedding scrapbook; I was going to surprise her with it when I had finished filling it out. I had just picked up a set of photos at Costco yesterday to send to her... I had the card ready to mail when I received the news of her death. I don't know what to do with the photos now. I wanted so much to share them with her.

I have grieved lost relationships. I still feel grief over a couple of them -- those people I grieve losing are still living, as far as I know (I don't know. I rely on the shaky premise that if they die, someone will remember to tell me. It's not the best method -- simply the best available. I just sort of vaguely hope they're alive and well, knowing I can't know). I grieve because I love them, and sometimes I think the grief will be with me as long as I love -- and as I live, I love. Sometimes I daydream about accidental meetings and happy reconciliations (unlikely, but it might happen!). But this -- I know she won't ever be there. I promised to send her pictures from my first dinner party, and it breaks my heart that she won't see them. I am thankful I got to speak to her last week -- last week! -- she kept telling me how happy it made her to know how happy I was about the china. I just thought there'd be more time. I thought we'd have weeks, at least... if not months. I thought there'd be more time.

DBF took me out for lunch and stuffed me with steak and soaked me in tequila. It was good. In retrospect, I think she would prefer I be pickling myself in Champagne than tequila... but there is time for that. I need to go shopping -- there is no option but to show up at her funeral impeccably turned out, with a gorgeous purse and devastatingly fabulous (yet appropriate) shoes.

I wish she could see them.

wedding gift

I received a wedding present in the mail today from my friend. It is the money she and her husband had saved to travel to attend my wedding. The long illness has made her unable to walk and too frail to travel. I knew she wouldn't be able to come, but I had held out a small hope that she might recover enough to come. Now it is final; she will not be there. She wants me to use the money to buy my wedding china, so I will have it to remember her.

I am overwhelmed. I cannot process all the emotions that are running through me -- I'm happy about the china, sad that she will not be there, grieving that she is dying, delighted by her gorgeous and thoughtful packaging, warmed by her loving thoughts, guilty at the hugeness of the gift, grateful, melancholy, frustrated... I just can't think about it. I have to call her tomorrow to let her know it's arrived. For once, I have no idea what to say to her.

I'm knitting An American in China socks using Sanguine Gryphon Little Traveler in colorway "Scotland." The linen-stitch sole is beautiful, and probably hard-wearing, but tedious. Every 4-6 rows knit in the round, I have to double back and knit short rows across the soles, in order to compensate for the tight gauge of linen stitch. Since I am knitting them using magic loop method, this leaves holes. I wrap on the sides I can, but it leaves holes at the other side. I'm hoping they won't be glaring deficiencies in the final product. The colorway is gorgeous -- I have held onto this yarn for several years, waiting for the right project. I didn't even knit socks when I bought it, but I figured I'd get around to them at some point. And lo, I have. Pictures at some point.